Posted by: Amanda | March 3, 2006

I am freaking out just a bit.

My dad is in the ICU. Internal bleeding. He has been pretty ill since Christmas time. I talked to him and he sounded strong. But when I told him I wished I could be there, he said “I wish you could too. But you aren’t.” It wasn’t said mean but it really got to me. I got off the phone and looked at very expensive air line tickets and free train tickets but that wouldn’t get me to California until Tuesday, even if I took the very next train. He will most likely be home by then, and then I would just be in the way as he gets settled.

When I called my mother to tell her about my dad, she told me my grandmother was dehydrated and wasn’t eating. They were talking about transferring her to the hospital. They held out and gave her an IV at the nursing home and now that situation has stabilized.

I just feel so far away, so helpless, and so guilty for moving to the other side of the country. Ben’s mom could still use our help and my uncle is undergoing a procedure next week that is fairly risky in his precarious situation.

Update: My Dad was released from the hospital on Sunday.


  1. Praying my friend!

  2. Amanda, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. Oh hon, you and your whole family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. definitely praying for you and your family, mrs fish.

    but you know what strikes me the most in this entry? it’s your feeling of guilt. you didn’t move to the other side of the country to shirk the responsibilities of being in a family ; you moved across the country for your work, and your husband’s work, and for your own family, the family you have started. i’m not sure i’m saying this articulately, but your needs as a wife and mother are surely as valid as your duties as a daughter. it doesn’t mean you don’t have a pang when the people you love far away are suffering. but their suffering is not your fault.

    i may be projecting here – i had to deal with this last year when my dad got really sick and my other relatives used his illness as a guilt trip about my distance – but if nothing else, you’ll know you are not alone in this feeling, nor in whatever it will take to get you and your family through it.

    i hope some of this comment made sense. i’m exhausted and rambling. sorry. the most important thing is, my friend – take courage.

  5. During my dad’s long hospitalization before his I wanted my siblings here, but my overwhelming feeling was pain for them handling the grief so far away. When we removed my dad’s life support my brother was struggling to figure out flights, trying to get here before dad died and then be able to stay long enough for the funeral. It was so stressful. I only had compassion for him.

    I am praying that you will be guided in ways to support your extended family without taking on guilt.

  6. Thank you all for your prayers and support. It is very much appreciated and I am touched by your quick response.

    Romy and Alison, the depth of your understanding is heartening to me. Thank you.

  7. I’m so sorry I didn’t comment earlier…I am really praying for you and your family. For your heart to not hurt but to be encouraged. It’s tough, and we always want to be everywhere at once to comfort and take care of everyone…sometimes it just isn’t humanly possible.

    I pray for the comfort of your family through these tough times. And I pray for peace for you.

    Keep us updated!

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