Posted by: Amanda | December 2, 2007

Sunday Afternoon

My family just left to do Christmas shopping without me and I am going to finally get some photos uploaded and ordered for a friend, but with this snow sky and my most snuggly blanket I think I am going to enjoy the quiet with a nap first.

Church was OK.  I didn’t take communion for some very personal reasons and was questioned about it, and I saw it in one of the deacon’s eyes that she will likely ask about it too. 

Made pumpkin bread yesterday.  I love the smells in the house.  It is fun to bake with Emily. It didn’t come out as moist as I like it, but the first batch didn’t cook all the way through. I have been making this off and on since I was 15 with no problems.  But this year I really wanted to give someone a loaf, and had promised it to another friend as well – so of course, its just not that good.  Ever see the movie, Like Water for Chocolate?  It’s like that I think.  Your emotions do get into the baking.  And since my emotions remained bifurcated, the bread is expressing that.

We watched Christmas movies while I baked, and played Christmas music while decorating the tree. The house smelled good.   I wanted the family time – wanted to feel like Christmas.  But it just felt like going through the motions.  I couldn’t get into it.  This year just feels like I want to be somewhere else, but my family is here and they should not suffer for my emotions.  Plus this is about Christmas – not my personal issues- so it seems like I should be able to get into the spirit.  But hey, its only the second of december.  I’ve got time, right?

I am a little worried about a report I turned in at 5 on Friday.  It wasn’t the quality I wanted, but I was a little behind the time frame (my fault) and a little bit undone by the keeper of the information (not my fault) so on Monday I need to fix it.  Plus I got an email from my boss to discuss the conclusion of a project I thought I had successfully passed on, but I guess not – so I need to move into “closer” mode and get everyone to finish it on up. 

I let both dogs out at the same time and they are like jealous children, each climbing closer on me.

The quiet feels really good right now.

But now, for that nap….

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Responses

  1. Amanda,

    I went shopping with the family this evening. The lights, sounds and smells were all very Christmasy. But I had difficulty feeling the spirit myself.

    Lots of things can be distracting. I’ll pray that God gives you clarity and guidance, whatever the issues may be.

    Peace.

    FK

  2. I hope you enjoyed the nap. Isn’t it so nice when you have the house to yourself and it’s really quiet?

    Hope all this immersion in traditions gets you to feeling better…

  3. this may sound crazy, but i *miss* knowing that my not taking communion will be noticed by someone (a priest), who will question me. when i do not take communion there are always intensely personal and soul-important reasons behind it, and usually i need to talk them out, even if i don’t always know that at the time.

    anyway.

    mrs fish, i miss you. sorry i have been so absent. it is lovely to come over here and see your photo and read your words. thank you for being present even when life makes some of us have to find a proxy.

    xoxoxo.


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